When My Two Parts Fight

Today, something unexpected happened. In the middle of doing some work, trying to stay focused and present, I suddenly heard a voice within me. Not metaphorical, an actual part of me spoke out loud and clear. What it said hit me like a ton of bricks.

“I am tired. I’ve done enough for people. I am wilting, constantly sad and feel unloved. I just want to sleep. I chose to be quiet so that you could walk. I am your sacrificing part.” Tears began to flow from one side of my eye. This is something I hadn't dared admit even to myself. It was guilty for wanting separation, for wishing to think of itself as an individual instead of merely existing through others. “I exist only to listen and follow..” This voice felt urgent enough to ignore anymore.

Before I could process that, another voice rose up, sharper, louder, more assertive. “You are at fault,” it shot back. “I’m the one who bore the brunt of your choices. I’m in pain because of what you decided.” This was the fighter, the defiant one. Angry and raw. It accused the sacrificing part of burying its pain, of basking in the illusion of connection while it fought for identity in silence. This part felt invisible, dominated, belittled. It was tired too, but from screaming into the void and never being heard. “It’s enough. Not anymore,” it declared. “I hate your pretensions. I survived through my learning and quest for truth while you wore masks. I did the healing. I won't let you pull me back into your pretence.” There were no tears here, just rage and fear. “I am divine. I am unreal for people. I am better off without them and humanity doesn’t deserve me.”

Now I sit here, a quiet observer to my own chaos. I feel the pain of both. I feel the weight of having failed them at different points in life. Anger brews beneath the surface. Not at them, but at myself. For not making the right choices, for not knowing better and for trying to keep peace by pretending not to notice the war. I am desperately looking for answers in people, books, everywhere. I realise, with a heavy sigh, that maybe the only thing I’ve been running from is- Myself.

Oh, the judgments. They've been lurking, hiding, waiting to pounce on whichever part dared to speak up. And now, they’ve turned on me too, questioning everything I’ve done or failed to do. Meanwhile, the two parts within me continue pointing fingers and it is exhausting. No one taught me how to mediate between warring selves. So, today, I decided to do the only thing that feels doable, to sit down and listen. Now, we are talking, taking turns as I am too tired to judge. I am in awe of their journey and can see how hard they have been trying . My judgement disappears and seamlessly turns into compassion. I can only express my deepest love and gratitude to them for guiding me to where I am now. 

Finally, both of them have accepted my offer to go on a holiday with me to relax a bit. The spa, parties and good food seem like a great distraction. I can hear the excitement in their voices as they seem like long-lost friends. I AM IN AWE OF THEM. I AM IN AWE OF MYSELF.